Has your spouse told you they weren’t “in love” with you anymore? Well do I have news for you. The saying “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore” is a worn out cliché. It’s not possible to “fall out of love” because you weren’t “in love” to begin with. The excuse “I’m not in love with you anymore” is nonsensical. Let me tell you why.
There is no such emotional condition as falling out of love; it’s a justification for doing whatever you are planning on doing. It’s a way to let your spouse down easy. What you’re really feeling and should be saying is “I don’t want to love you anymore”. It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. Perhaps you are talking yourself into having an affair or perhaps you have already had an affair.
The person who says “I’m not in love with you anymore” is searching for a feeling.
The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have. It is an attitude that builds up after months and or years of a lifeless marriage – a marriage that has no intimacy. This is why quality time spent together (intimacy) is more important than sex in a marriage. Not that sex isn’t important, because it is, but that sex IS NOT INTIMACY. Sex may be a part of intimacy but it is not the whole picture.
Intimacy can be as simple as playing a board game or planting seeds together in your garden; or intimacy can be as complex as working together in a business or getting involved in a hobby with your spouse. But couples aren’t doing any of these things together anymore! They have drifted apart, each doing their own thing. When couples stop doing things together they lose the intimate bond between them they once shared when they were first married.
“I’m not in love with you anymore” actually means “I don’t feel close to you anymore”.
Couples NEED to have an intimate attachment with one another for marriage to be healthy. If couples aren’t getting their intimate needs met in the marriage they are more apt to seek it from somewhere else. Ironically, they could be trying to bring back intimacy with their spouse but don’t know where to start, or perhaps they feel resentful or angry about something their spouse did, and so they never try to get close again.
If couples do not have a bond of intimacy with each other it is inevitable the relationship will have major problems and one or both spouses will feel they aren’t “in love” anymore. The good news is you can perk up your marriage and reawaken intimacy by spending quality time together. Do stuff together! Stop behaving as if “she has her life” and “he has his life”. You both have your lives with each other!
Express yourselves in nice ways and be good listeners. Be considerate and respectful of each other’s feelings. Write down all the things you love about your spouse and put it under their pillow. Write down all the ways you can show your love. Be more willing to go the extra mile for your spouse. Be more loving and you will feel more loving!
Do not expect love to always feel like your first date; or the first time someone flirted with you; or that first puppy love feeling; or the way your coworker flirts with you. That’s not love; that’s desire and lust feelings. It’s the euphoria of desire and emotions, which are fleeting moments. They are only temporary and mean nothing. They cannot fulfill your emotional holes.
What is lasting? What is lasting is the love you have for the person you married. Right now you have buried your love behind a wall of what you think love should feel like. Your attitude has literally controlled the way you think about your marriage and the person you married; the person you made a promise to love forever. I think its time you unbury that love, don’t you?